'M' for Mango and Marriages

The very month May is an extensively voluminous platform of immensely evocative 3 most satire M's of an average Indian life style...

Mangoes

Monsoon

and Marriages!!

Mangoes has a Vital role in the rant below, Monsoon can wait, but the subject of vociferation is the  

Big Fat Indian "Mammoth Marriages".

Its again that season of the year, when Mangoes and Marriages are on rise in the Market!!

The price is exponentially proportional to the quality, is a given (underlined). Then comes "love marriages", as it goes in the SMS forward, it is a "trench" we are pretty familiar with, but still have a madness to jump into. There has to be somebody down there to catch you as you fall in! But my point is, it is a bottomless pit, you just keep falling in deeper and deeper. "Black hole", might as well sound Spooky, save this for a few vital differences if you have any, I would gladly say "U lucky basterd" with a wink. If we now may get back what I was trying to put across, in the case of a movie, screen play is the whole substance, You know reading the screenplay will let you in on every secret of the film, likewise in the love marriages, you know everything about your life partner (whatever) and take away the element of surprise. Wouldn’t you rather just wait and be "wow"ed on screen? and get oodles of "surprise..surprise..surprise", until when? May be an year. Now I know that is the limit.

A dear friend always said, "Mobile phones and Marriages are like ordering your food at the restaurant and then looking at the neighboring table and then wished you had that!", today as I lean back and do some introspection, I understand how true a 'satire' it was! 

Hear, hear.. It would not be my arrogance if I listlessly called 'the bride' and 'the groom' as 'Scape goat' anywhere down this trivial talk, evidently half the married couples haven't raised a voice when are openly humiliated by the stand-up comedians in all shows, apparently they are wise enough to know it is good to succumb to the "FACTS", if I have any buyers to my talk, I would say, "bitter truth" head held high!

The iconic Indian wedding got a face lift post the IT revolution. Not so long ago, it was 'simple and sweet', having the family and friends around, there used to be a simple yet logical ringing ceremony, followed by a traditional wedding in a mediocre wedding hall and a so called (considerably) grand reception. Clean swept by "Theme weddings" by the event management folks and wedding planners, all material and money oriented. Not just it, there is more to it, the duration of marriages stretch from anywhere 3-7 days shamelessly and conveniently. There is a Special day meant for Mehandi, I mean Gross! The cow dung colored Henna, the very odor sends my head reeling. Forgive the harsh set of words there, but if you go by looks, that what its appearance is like and smells like one too! All the lovely ladies gather one evening, tease the poor little bride and sing and dance and finally leave with a plush meal, wedding is for foodies, those who are on crash diet for Kareena's size 0, may opt out for their own good! 

Now this is going too far. Talk of the jewels, Gold rings are being replaced unreasonably by Platinum and diamonds! There are exclusive wedding shoppe for the respective theme, costumes for both bride and groom and their families are  fitted so immaculately that even the eschewing aunties and uncles with beer bellies are compelled to wear belts and suspenders for the sake of the designer attire.  And up there, in the Northern India,  movies of Yash Raj and Barjatyas say it all. Who can forget Hum apke hain kaun or DDLJ? Bollywood impact has been so intense that, the once simple marriages  has increasingly and tragically been homogenised, moulded to more modern tastes. And to sponsor demands and cater the needs of this Information age.

When the rant is about weddings, It is a fine time to revisit SRK's masterpiece, DDLJ with many of my generation awestruck as they watch it in theatres for the first time. I was 7 when it originally released. A terrifically taut drama that unspools with ruthless elegance and frequently leaves us wanting for more, thanks to both cinematic craft and emotional heft, DDLJ is unquestionably one of the finest Hindi language films of the last thirty years. Ask people who were born in late 80's and early 90's, without blinking an eyelid they will say "DDLJ is my all time favorite".  May be that is we all want to "fall in love". But you know that already. One word "Timeless Legend".

I have always been distrustful of Golden Mangoes and for some reasons the Gold Jewellery, anyway there is nobody giving a straw to my erratic deranged whacky little mind, but like I always say I have an opinion, it never kills to have one. The poor bride tries her best to look graceful despite of the designer saree which probably weighs few pounds more than her weight, and why, she has to look aesthetically charming, it the the biggest day of her life after all. As she struggles her way filling in those aural blanks when everything else is in place, or maybe there are some cards even she likes to play close to her chest, but the theme of the wedding doesn’t give these away. All the script says is “Cue cool music,” and lets the onlookers brain explode with possibility, just as it does when the camera moves away from the ear-slicing live music and lets us fill in our own horror. And the lunch and dinner buffets, it would be a lot better unsaid! With changing times the honeymooning destinations too changed drastically, from Darjeeling and Shimla to Switzerland and Venice! The worst is yet to come.

The only solace amidst all annoyance is the fact that we get to meet old long lost buddies like in the 'Kumbh Ke Mele', not to mention the free meal tickets. It dawns relief to however perplex a state of mind. It keeps me going.

I have asked myself a million times over, why people say "wedding" is the best thing that ever happened to me! There is some gimmickry then, yes, but when the balance between love and marriage is so perfectly struck, the word "wizardry" seems a lot more appropriate, like I mentioned above, it’s just "short lived", there is a sequel to this chapter!! People are foolish enough to overlook this part, or just too ashamed to wash the dirty linen in public.

When we go to the market to buy some ripe mangoes, we go by its aroma and of course the peel on it, the color precisely, we decide its ripe to buy it just by the alluring cover it has, goes the same with Indian weddings, first comes the cover i.e the looks of bride and groom and then their respective families. In case of mangoes, post dissection, we will actually get to relish the taste of it. So are the marriages! need I say more? I guess not.  And not to mention, the much anticipated arrival of mango this season is not really worth the hype and the wait! Highly disappointed here.

The worst part is when we to inevitably bump into some old freaks and seek their blessings unwillingly, when they try to act funny with that weird gesture and provocative jeering tone "next is yours", the voices in my head muttered, "u fatty, wait till I meet you at a funeral next time, you will hear me say, next is you", as I manage to pull a foolish grin on this stupid face! I have one word for this :"brickbat"

It would make me a prejudiced anti-semitic illiberal racist if I went completely fulminating against marriages, so why not write a few favorable lines, not at anybody's cost though. In those days, marriages used to be the divine bonding between the agreeing and equally needful souls, today things are different, I heard somebody saying "it’s an understatement", well that makes two of us then!

Here is a little piece of trauma happening in my mind, It’s better to move at a snail pace than go extinct. This state of mind is very agitated though. I'm not sure what the misery is all about! It is like a canoe stuck in a whirlpool. Sail set against the harsh tempest! The state of witnessing is stupendous. Some horrifying feeling. Sometimes it even feels like I have been overtaken by my mind. I don't understand whether it is because all my dear pallies my age are either engaged or married already, busy building their own lives! It feels like an impossible existence. I felt left out in every social gathering when i see my buddies walk in proudly with their spouse hand in hand, I'm just an onlooker, and feel a pang of sorrow some uneasy energy rush up and down my spine!  I think and ponder all day long, on the mysteries underneath existence, this trauma and this loneliness. What is that I'm missing? My friends? Or that somebody whom I can call 'Mine'? Is it some sort of insecurity? Is it just the "age factor"? Perhaps, I have become indecisive, all leading to more perplexed state. I accuse and blame the existence for my past. There remains a lump in my throat, that just doesn't go. I'm in utter disagreement with myself. I can’t conclude upon what is wrong! Melancholy, I would dare not discuss this even with my closest pals, as a matter of fact, this wretchedness paving way to all epiphoric grief is pretty terrifying. I don’t like myself and anyone associated with me. Neither do I like anybody to know this, forget about judging this.

Dear May!!

Here you come again... Baah! who was missing you anyway?

Your sincerely,

Unmarried miserable people.

As I write this, there my loving cousin Pooja all is set to step into the auspicious wedlock!

I miss those days when it was just the three of us little girlies 'self assuming' ourselves as the "Ms earth, Ms world and Ms universe" tip toed flaunting the belle shoe, down all the busy streets of Bengaluru and Chennai.. Those little trips to Marina beach, VGP and movies..Girls night outs and cookery competitions. The eat streets and pavement shopping for colorful studs down the Ranganatha St. I just happened to pull out a conch and a seashell out of my rucksack a couple of days ago! Caressing it and re-living those never ending summer vacations and those games and fights for Ice creams. The Padiyappa movie we watched at Satyam and got awestruck for a whole week! And the fight for popcorn between me and Mona! The hush hush about the spilled Nail color and the Tom and Jerry video tapes! Flood of memories they say. When I was passing by Nehru Planetarium a week ago, I couldn't help but remember our first visit to the "Star city" or that is what we called it. And that sleepless night we spent over the terrace for some meteor sighting. An emotional outburst, I tried hard fighting back the tears.

Even to this day whenever I stand in my balcony doing sky gazing, I remember the bickering we had about "who is the Queen of which planet".. Wasn't life a lot more simpler then?

I will miss you Poo.

pink cult

Loitering around passively in the busy shopping mall of Bangalore, one lazy weekend, doing a little window shopping, my attentive eyes did not miss the color that was rather a common factors among most of the shoppers there-Pink something! Pink was undoubtedly the unanimous , uncrowned princess of the 'fashion world', flavor of the season.

Thinking about Pink kind of set my mind reeling back as I succumbed at its trending popularity, I looked sheepishly at men flaunting "pink" attire! Me and my friend found a not-so-busy junction to sit back and relax, the moment I was waiting for, to do some critical scrutiny.

Red is for Rage and White is for Peace. How can they ever make a combination also! utterly un-religious and staggeringly silly, total disharmony and it simply indicates the crossed swords!Like this, the very origin of the Color Pink is a clashing diversified kick off!

The mix itself is a dreadful mismatch, the contradiction in pair , while things donned in Pink hoists the lack luster deathlike livid expression, knowing a thing or two about the dullness, so called "naive, cuteness, dainty, sublime and pretty" virtues about pink, how could I but not share my frustration on how "Pink fever" is infecting masses like a deadly contagious virus! For this, hang me if you dont agree or give me a high five if do, I believe it doesn't kill to have an opinion, it is not killing me!

Pink is the color of those who are Flummoxed and exasperated by not being able to have an opinion and unquestioningly follow the "trend" just because it is the trend!??

That is just definitely not me. Though I have no particular personal rivalry on this Perky color, like in some stereo typical bollywood classic , where in the protagonist, unaware of his reincarnation, shivers and faints at the sight of the usual fire sparks that relates to something from the Shadows of the past! Nothing of that sort. I just cant seem to accept the fact that conventional color of girls is being "mis-used" by the male clan!

I figured out the reason with much exasperation, that my aversion even to the most tempting dessert on the earth 'strawberry cheese cake', culprit is "the flavor, the color and the strikingly unpleasant( as it occurs to me at least)aroma". Same holds good for the Strawberry smoothie.

Earlier Pious Cosmetic brands, made colors targeting women, keeping in mind the very fact that "rose" celebrates womanhood and they designed the cosmetics that amplified embellished feminism, redefining the delicate feminine attributes. With the changing times, Gothic schism became alarmingly popular and colors like panther black, midnight silver, jewel green, royal purple and hues of blue wer introduced to the world of cosmetics, with that the 'fairy tale' of Pink(rose) became just another legend and most of the soft colors became 'outdated'.

What happened in the past one decade in the B-town had the greatest impact on the uproar of "pink fever", before that I want to remind you all of that one funny story, which is not a story but a "real life incident" which happaned not-so-long-ago.

As is it just fading away from our memory that the junior Bacchan was in lime light for the "wrong" reasons, quite some time ago, for having adorned the very feminine "hairband",which once was very traditionally popularized as a "style statement" by heroines of 60s'. Inexcusable offense! If you think Bacchan junior is being forced to wear what he is donning, you have another thinking coming. More alarmingly, in fact, he seems to actually be enjoying himself, showing off an absolutely feminine side of himself which I would rather prefer to call "alter ego" ,very less of us were aware of! Was Ms Rai not a sufficient enough reason to grab all the lime light? The result, however, is the same as felt by those witnessing the typical paunchy gent with convertible-mauled hair and the blonde on his arm: absolute embarrassment. Stepped in many fashionistas to be the Devil's advocates, and what followed was history!

Did I hear anybody mentioning "Dostana"? unmitigatedly justified!

The stud next door whom I really admired secretly for the masculine gestures and traits, also appeared one morning wearing (in)famous Hair band??!!! "Sigh", I muttered under my breath,pretending as if I haven't noticed his ugly looking hairdo pulled together to add to its ugly gimmick with a hairband! Yes, you read it Right, it was a HAIRBAND! And they returned "metro-sexual man".

Okay, I'm a die hard fan of Hrithik roshan, that doesn't leave me chioce than to also admire whatever he promotes, be it the bikes he patronizes which also has a disclaimer note at the bottom of the advert clearly stating, "the following stunts are performed by experts under controlled conditions, do not try this at home", be it the self acclaimed delicious cookies he popularized or the mobile network disastrous commercial , last not but least very popular soft drink, long forgotten , for good!

But it is really unforgivable when he appeared in the cover page of the mainstream film monthly magazine in a Pink Tee! what is happening??? Fashion faux pas, it was hard to belive my own eyes, I double checked and then again double checked just to make sure my eyes were not deceiving me!

I called up my best friend, "I'm in this book store, you will jump off your feet after hearing what I have to say", she reverted, "My dear Khabroo, what is that you are so hysteric about? what is biting you?", I narrated the fashion disaster I just witnessed, she said she had to hold the railings of the stairs to get a grip on the Jelly legs, naturally I say, we both practically worshipped Hrithik roshan! And then that whole evening was spent on discussing smugness that, when heightened, invariably culminates in increasingly sloppy, fashion statements, blindly followed by millions of die hard fans, for whom it is like some unwritten law to follow the captain, reminds me, "smoking on screen was banned by the censor board" why not they make a commendment against men wearing PINK! Anybody listening?

Fashion gurus raised eyebrows, designers fained out of "OHHMIGAWD" gaffe and eventually learnt to "live with it" as they did not have courage to Knock off the block , it was the Hrithik Roshan after all. And to great extents it looked "out of the world" on him, not in the sardonic sense of course. Needless to say, he always deserved irony free adulation. Exception, yet again proves the Rule. The person who had the last laugh was "karan Johar"!

When VJ Anusha, in her uptown polished chic accent endorsed the 'girly' color tuning out to be the "latest black" which is frenzily popularized from Justin Beiber to Akon! Watching my favorite Talk show was a little nightmarish that day, if you do not call it exaggeration. She signed off saying "Like I always say, keep it stylish with PINK, the new Black", all I could bring myself to say was "How I wish, this show had an unlike button"!

Come February, the season of love, all those in love, regardless of age, tier and all those things that are arbitrary, rush to gift shops, buying presents for their sweethearts, love will be in air and so will be the red and PINK hearts!! It is that one essence of the season, when designers, merchants and all those in the business industry encash upon the weakness of the vulnerable love birds. Town would be painted in mostly Red and partially Pink! Everything would transform into Pink color, from sugar candies to expensive dresses, from Barbie dolls and soft toys to cell phones and stilettoes. Watches, perfumes, accessories, jewellery.. Pink, pink, pink all around but not even one that deserves pat of appreciation! Its just that incurable mania of masses, to fall for anything that has suitable price tag. Consumerism, you are a merciless godawful addiction!

My another friend makes fun of me for having fallen for the Romantic Vamp, Edward Cullen,who is not so "hunk-like" but is hearthrob of zillions of twilight fan following across the globe and even streching its aura to "beneath the earth", not to mention female fans for obvious reasons. And that fateful evening, we were watching this award function, enter my Hero, Robert Pattinson! My jaw dropped a mile as he walked the red carpet,unashamed, unapologetic, unpretentious – all laudable assets, in Pink tuxedo, it was not a exact pink , but something like peach or gradient of pink! That was the last nail on my coffin, practically! Ever since,I even stand up for Bittoo Sharma,played by "Ranveer Singh" in Band baja barat ,the boy is mongrel-rough,yet entertaining, he is graceless and boorish still ,without my knowledge my heart slowly melts for this lout so scruffy!

What is most important, in this dizzyingly evolving information age: An idea? Drive? Originality? Innovation? Ambition? Intelligence? Getting there first? Or are we all to make our own convenient quick-mix of the above, doing whatever it takes to get what we want?? all right lets agree upon the conclusion that we need to be "be different, act different" from the norms , make our rules and swim against the current, I agree gentlemen, but let alone the color which are meant and just meant for "girls", donning it doesn't make you look any ritzy,sassy and urbane. You resemble the Lame duck that was trampled on by forced pattern , you are sure to break few hearts! 'Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus', so are their respective representing colors "blues and pinks", please do not mix them up and make an awful job of it! Just because that girl looked "cool" in blue tees, you need not wear Pink one and try to act "cute"! While she looks terrific in Blue, you will look thrashy in Pink.

I would have conveniently concluded saying,despite of its herculean effort "pink" has miserably failed to get a wild card entry in "heavy metal/progressive rock" culture, my friend next to me was playing "The Gnome" on her phone, she looked at me smirked and said "Pink Floyd", my face turned crimson,I stammered and said, "its just a name"! By then guess I had grown "comfortably numb".